“I had no idea I came across that way.”
Ever received a piece of feedback that took you completely off guard?
We often think that we are self-aware because we are introspective.
It turns out that being introspective, especially if it translates into mulling over past events, doesn’t make us self-aware. Sometimes it actually distorts what we know about ourselves.
So how can you, and those around you, build our self-awareness in a way that’s useful, and helps us to progress?
A study conducted by organisational psychologist and executive coach Tasha Eurich shows that there are two broad categories of self-awareness:
Internal self-awareness
Internal self-awareness is how clearly we see our own values, feelings, behaviours, strengths and weaknesses. It’s associated with authenticity, happiness and career satisfaction.
External self-awareness
External self-awareness is knowing how others perceive us and our values, feelings, behaviours, strengths and weaknesses. It’s associated with communication effectiveness, relationships and empathy.
One does not feed the other.
Being deeply self-aware internally doesn’t equate to knowing how we are perceived on the outside. Knowing how others see us doesn’t equate to knowing ourselves.
So what can we do to work on both?
Avoid asking “why” and start asking “what”
If we ask ourselves “why”, we focus on patterns of the past. We ruminate on mistakes and don’t take action. People with a deep internal self-awareness don’t ask “why”, they ask “what”. “What” questions help us stay objective, future-focused, and move to solutions.
“Why wasn’t I able to do that?” > “What can I do differently next time?”
“Why am I so opposed to this idea?” > “What can I do to understand their perspective?”
Seek critical feedback
Actively asking for critical feedback heightens our external self-awareness and as a result, improves our empathy and the ability to see other perspectives.
Look for loving critics
We should aim to get honest feedback from loving critics – those who have our best interests at heart and are willing to tell us the truth.
Deepening our internal and external self-awareness requires work, but it’s extremely rewarding: it allows us to lead lives we’re proud of and develop stronger relationships.
For further reading on this, there’s a great article in HBR from 2019 that explains how to cultivate self-awareness.
